I realized that when I'm sitting in front of the computer, reality just sort of fades into the background. I don't have to worry about everything that's going wrong at home, I can just 'check out' for minutes throughout the day and 'check in' to the lives of friends.
Staying at home and being a wife and mommy is the place where I have always wanted to be. So why is it so hard? So hard to enjoy sometimes? It's what I've always wanted to do and yet, I feel like I am unhappy more than I should be. Yeah, there's the obvious reasons of kids not getting along, residency, finances. But then there are other things that I pray will change. And they don't. And my heart continues to ache.
And then I remind myself that I was not made for this world. Life is supposed to hurt. Many more failures are sure to come. More disappointments. My heart will break once again. So I wipe away the tears and move on.
God, soften my heart so it's you I run to as my escape... every time. I know that sneaking away and spending time with you is what I need. Help me to see the beauty when all I see is negative. Amen.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.