a mommy needs attention too, right?

because I can't always be here...

I've been cleaning out closets, drawers... getting rid of all of the excess. A fresh start for the new year, I suppose.

I've never been one for New Year's resolutions. But I have been thinking about some changes I want to make. So call it a resolution, if you must.

Every mom gets to a point where the focus shifts completely away from her, sometimes losing sight of who she is. And that's ok for a bit, I guess. But I don't think it's healthy for a long period of time.

My focus has been shifted for too long.

It's time to start taking care of myself too. And not feel bad about it.

All I have ever really wanted to do is stay at home, take care of my husband and babies. So this isn't a complaint. I wouldn't change what I'm doing for anything. It's just that this residency life hits from all directions. The stress, the loneliness, the frustration, seeing your husband exhausted beyond what he should be.  And I'm afraid that if there's not some sort of balance, there won't be much more of me left to give.

So, I'm thinking about ways to improve and really, just nourishment for my soul.

Efficiency is a big one. Time, how I spend money, keeping up with the house. I've started to watch how we spend money, knowing how much things cost, making smarter decisions. So empowering. More time with God, not just giving Him my leftover time, if there is any. Taking better care of my body. My skin. I just bought my first eyecream. :) My poor, neglected wardrobe (if you can even call it that) needs some attention... no more just looking in the children's section. More dates with my husband. More girls' nights out. More than two haircuts a year. More red wine... for ya know, a healthy heart and all. More time for reading. And maybe even a pedicure or two.

If I do these types of things, it's going to make me a better wife, a better mom. More fulfilled. Motivated. Encouraged. Happier. And we all know the phrase... if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

 

take me for a ride

The hometown county fair was this week. And of course we couldn't miss it! Memories from last year had the kiddos excited with anticipation! They had a blast running around to all of the different rides and eating cotton candy and caramel apples. Thanks to Grandpa and Papaw for spending a small fortune on the entertainment. Holey moley, those rides were expensive but the kids loved every minute of it. Well, maybe not the waiting their turn part. :)

And Mommy took them for a little ride of her own this morning as we headed to a baby shower. Making a turn in a neighborhood, my car began to slide on the rainy blacktop road.

Talk about everything happening in slow motion. Talk about eyes wide open as I looked back at my kids thinking, "I can't believe this is happening right now." The car finally came to a stop in the grass on the other side of the road, almost having done a complete turn. Thank you Jesus. No harm except for maybe a shaken-up mama... and one impressed 5 year old. "Mom! That was so cool! How did you do that?!?"

ugh.

I have to admit. I'm having a hard time being a mommy right now. I feel defeated and worn down and don't feel like I'm making any progress. I'm so tired of being mean. I'm tired of no one listening to me. I'm tired of yelling at my kids. I'm tired of feeling like a single mom.

What really gets me is that there are these amazing moments with each of my kids... moments that remind me how blessed I am. Hayes picking a flower and placing it in my hair, Embry grabbing a book and snuggling up to read with me, Ellie just out of the blue saying, "I love you Mama."

Oh, but how quickly I forget when things don't go as they should.

Why can't those moments stick with me during the difficult times and help me to focus on the mother I long to be?

A mother who embodies the fruit of the Spirit.

It seems impossible really with our day to day battles but if I've learned anything, I know that nothing is impossible with God. So I am committing to spend the time to learn about each of these fruits. I pray that God will work on my character and that my children will see his work through my actions.

Galatians 5:22-23

22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

why can't we all just get along?

In anticipation of our doctor visit today…

Hayes: “Are we going to get a shot, Mom?”

Me: "No."

Hayes: "Ellie, we don't want to get a shot."(Hayes is known for bringing up the unexpected for Embry and Ellie in hopes of getting them worked up.)

Ellie: “I wanna shot!”

Hayes: “I don’t want a shot!”

Ellie: “I wanna shot!” (Ellie is known for arguing with anything anyone says.)

Hayes: “Ellie, you don’t want a shot.”

Embry: “It’s my shark!” (Embry is known for occasionally missing the point. In his defense, he did have a shark on his shirt.)

Ellie: “My shot! I wanna shot!”

Embry: “My shark! Mine’s pretty.”

Ellie: “Mine’s pretty!”

Embry: “Mine is pretty. It’s blue. Yours isn’t pretty.”

Ellie: “Miiiiiine is pretty.”

In his best shark voice, Embry screams, “Raaaarrrrrr!”

******************************************************

Welcome to my world. Where the fuses are short and the conversations make no sense.

This picture is from a couple months ago... one of those rare moments where they were actually getting along. :)

the look

Uh oh, she's got that look. You know the one. You have either been the giver or receiver of the look at some point in your life. The...

if you scream one more time, I'm gonna...

we are not going to listen to Veggie Tales for the 100th time this week or I'm gonna...

you better be nice to each other or else I'm gonna...

if you demand watching a movie one more time, I'm gonna...

if you order me once more to pick up a toy that you dropped while I'm driving, I'm gonna...

if you yell at me to open (or close) the window one more time, I'm gonna...

if you fight over the red magna doodle one more time, I'm gonna...

if you throw one more fit because we didn't stop at McDonald's, I'm gonna...

pull this car over!

Albeit, I'll pull the car over at McDonald's, roll the windows down, turn around and pick up a toy for Embry, hand Ellie the red magna doodle and ask Hayes which movie he wants to watch while we wait on our food.

kids + cars = good times

want to come over for dinner?

Can't promise you a good time, but I can promise you a show.

It'll start something like this...

A fight will break out over who gets to pray first. Then Hayes will get upset because we are trying to teach him the ladies first concept and he ain't buyin'.

Then a round of prayers, which is just the sweetest thing you'll ever hear. Like Embry's prayer tonight... "Thank you for this day. Thank you for the world. Thank you for this day. Thank you for the world. Amen."

Then things will go south rather quickly. There will be guaranteed refusals to eat, threats, gagging, throwing food on the floor, burping, more refusals to eat, a timeout or two, more refusals, a trip to locate the paddle, no dessert, empty bellies, a mountain of wasted food.

Sound fun? Dinner's at 6.

Please pass the manners.

We'll eat anything but actual food.

time out, twin style

For your viewing pleasure... an attempt at redirection.

For the record, Ellie was mad because I washed her hands with a wet one instead of in the sink. Embry was mad because I threw his strawberry stems away.

We could all use a little redirection. Like this morning for instance, the police officer could have redirected me to the tag agency instead of slapping me with a ticket for expired license AND expired tag. Oops!

tis the season

I spent Saturday by myself. That doesn't happen very often. I asked Kyle if he would take the kids with him to Blackwell. He was going to hunt so I thought if I could get them to go along (not to hunt, just hang out with the grandparents), I could get all kinds of things accomplished!

And that I did. I started and finished my Christmas shopping in one mighty sweep across 71st Street. God also got something accomplished. He opened my eyes to the shopping madness and made me realize I want no part of it.

God has really been working on my heart with Christmas. As I was dodging in and out of aisles at Toys R Us, I overhead several hateful comments between husbands and wives. At the mall, I listened as a lady yelled at her kid to shut up and if he didn't she was going to find a belt and whip his butt. Seriously. You could just see the stress oozing out of people. All the expectations. All of the money.

As I was filling my cart up with toys my kids don't need, I had the urge to put everything back. What am I doing? We don't need this stuff. We can't afford this stuff. But what would happen on Christmas morning when there was nothing? Hayes wouldn't understand. So there's this battle going on inside of me. I want to shower my kids with gifts but I want to be strong and act on God's urges.

I'm seeking his direction in how to teach my children the true meaning of Christmas. I want them to have giving and generous hearts. My hope is that one day, they will genuinely want to give instead of receive. Is that an unrealistic goal for kids?

Changes will need to be made. And some have already been made this year. Because we have no other choice financially, there won't be as much. But I'm learning that is a blessing. However, I don't want money to be the reason that stuff doesn't fill up our Christmas. I want it to be the fact that we get it and fill up Christmas with family, giving and celebrating the birthday of this little baby that came down from heaven.

I ran across this. When you really think about what Christmas has come to, can't you just feel God's heart aching? You know he's thinking, "They just don't get it. I gave them the most precious gift and here we are..."

come out, come out wherever you are!

Dear Mr. Righty,

I have searched high and low and you are no where to be found. That's funny to me because you were just gracing Hayes' foot with your presence last night. Where could you have run off to in such a short time? Granted, Hayes is clearly the one who took you off and doesn't remember when and where that happened but don't you think you would have landed somewhere in the vicinity of Mr. Lefty? Speaking of Mr. Lefty, don't you miss him? You guys are buddies and you should stick together.

My major dilemma is this... you and Mr. Lefty are the uh, sole choice for the cooler weather. You're it. Numero uno. Unless you want Hayes to wear his fireman boots or his seen-better-days skate shoes (which he did today) to school, please show yourself!

Love,

Hayes' mommy

+++Update+++

My plan worked! I just knew that if I posted about it, that stupid shoe would show up. Sure enough... Kyle found it tonight in the mess of books. I'm telling ya, it wasn't there when I looked!

thumb sucker

Habits are hard to break. Hayes enjoys a good thumb suck and twist of the hair every now and then... especially when he is sleepy or watching a movie. It has always been this way. Well, it has really started bothering me the last year or two. We've had many a discussion about the importance of stopping, seeing that he goes to school now and the effect that it could have on his teeth. He has no desire to quit.

Enter the buzz cut this summer. I had this bright idea that if I buzzed his hair off, he couldn't twist it... then if he couldn't twist it, he would have no interest in sucking his thumb! Genius, right? So much for that idea. Instead of twisting, he was just as content with poking the little spikes with his finger, while sucking his thumb. Urgh!

Ok, so that didn't work. I then tell him about this yucky stuff at Walgreens that I can put on his thumb to help him stop. He tells me that if I do that, I won't be his mommy anymore. Ouch! So for weeks now, we have talked about (threatened) the yucky stuff at Walgreens. "Hayes, if you don't try on your own, we're going to Walgreens." I don't know how many times a day I ask him to stop. He will even do it behind my back. I will catch him ripping his thumb out of his mouth as I turn to talk to him. Sneaky little sucker!

I have since bought the yucky stuff, Thum. I just can't bring myself to use it. I felt awful buying it. To me, it's perfectly fine to use the stuff if you actually want to break the habit but he doesn't. It feels like I am stripping him of his 'security item' before he is ready. I don't want to scar the kid for life but I also don't want him dealing with this when he's in grade school!

I am determined to win this battle. Thumb way or another.

i spy a mess

This reminds of a page from an I-Spy book. I'm trying to figure out how this happens. Were we hit by a tornado I didn't know about? An earthquake? It blows my mind that three kids can do this much damage in a matter of hours. Do they purposely attempt to cover every inch of the carpet? I don't know, but I do know that I am so thankful that we have a place to contain the madness!

we have a weiner!

We actually had a successful dinner tonight. Successful in terms of all three kids actually eating it, not in terms of pretty, fancy, healthy or delicious. Beanie weenies, my friends. But hey, at this point, whatever works, works. Can I get an amen?

Dinner around here is a major issue. From start to finish, it's a pretty unpleasant experience. When I begin cooking, we enter Meltdown City. Not even a movie in the other room can keep them from battling it out in the kitchen with me in the middle, literally. It gets even better when no one eats what I have prepared. What I really don't understand is that all three are willing to eat something off the floor and yet many days won't touch what has been provided for them... on a plate!

I love to cook so I guess that is what keeps me going. I know someday it won't be this way. Is it too much to ask for a day when I'm in the kitchen cooking and I glance over at my sweet, innocent children as they sit at the table helping each other with homework, laughing and talking about how they could never imagine getting into a fight because they love each other so much... while Kyle and I discuss our lovely day as he pours me a glass of wine? What? Will never happen?

It seems an almost impossible task to find a meal that fits the requirements of kid-friendly, budget-friendly, time-friendly, tasty and most importantly healthy. So if you've got any great ideas, I'm all ears.

For now, the days when they weren't so picky... and confined to a high chair.

because I need one more thing to do

I have enjoyed reading blogs lately and decided to go ahead and start one. I'm hoping it will be a great way to keep everyone updated and a place where I can record this journey we are on.

I just happened to have my camera on a walk the other night. If only this picture resembled life with kids. It's actually quite the opposite around here... just ask anyone I am trying to have a phone conversation with. If it's not dishing out a time out or cleaning up a mess, it's laundry or trying to cook dinner with two (almost) two year olds each grabbing your legs while crying and pushing each other because they both want Mommy. Sure there are days that are tough but I wouldn't want it any other way.