a day in the life.

what's a mama to do when she's got the day to herself?

with nothing to do but get ready for this?

 

 

well, whatever she wants, of course. :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

ended a pretty good day with a pretty good night with this guy.

 

 

now bring on the sun and sand.

 

time well spent

The time, always the time, I'm an amateur trying to beat time. The six kids rouse. We race. The barn... and hurry. The breakfast... and hurry. The books, the binders... and hurry! In a world addicted to speed, I blur the moments into one unholy smear. I have done it. I do it still. Hands of the clock whip hard. So I push hard and I bark hard and I fall hard and when their wide eyes brim sadness and their chins tremble weak, I am weary and I am the thin clear skin, reflecting their fatigue, about to burst, my eyes glistening their same sheer pain.

The hurry makes us hurt.

I don't really want more time; I just want enough time.

I just want time to do my one life well.

-Ann Voskamp

Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing... Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away.
-Mark Buchanan

These are words from a book I am reading right now. Oh, it is speaking to me. One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It's just what I need right now as Kyle and I are taking steps to simplify and get to the place where God wants our family to be. Being thankful for what we have today. Right now. Maybe doing things a little different than the next family, maybe doing some things the same. Changing things up according to what is on our hearts.

But what always seems to get in the way no matter how I try to keep things/activities/obligations to a minimum is my unnecessary need to get things done. I'm guilty of flying through moments just to check each one off the list.

I've even found myself rushing through this book so I can move on to the next.

And I feel that I am thankful for this life. Every bit of it.

But am I really? Do I stop and notice the details? The amazing details in each day that show God's love and power? Because they are everywhere. All around me.

So I am making an effort to slow down and really enjoy this book and the poetic words that fill its pages. And while I'm at it, enter into each moment of my day. Rush my kids less. Love my family more. Thank God for the blessings, big and small.

We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing.
We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it.

Psalm 39:6

feelings of failure

Seems like more often than not, I feel like I am failing while trying to be the best mom I can be. Did I discipline the wrong way? Could I have handled that situation better? Blah, blah, blah. I just read a book that taught me a lot and reminded me that it's not just me who experiences these feelings. We all feel this way. Nobody's perfect, right? So I am posting this prayer from Dr. Dobson so I can come back to it quickly when I'm feeling down in my role as Mommy.

"Lord, You know my inadequacies.
You know my weaknesses, not only in parenting, but in every area of my life.

I did the best I could, but it wasn't good enough.
As You broke the fishes and the loaves to feed the five thousand,

now take my meager effort and use it to bless my family.

Make up for the things I did wrong. Satisfy the needs that I have not satisfied.

Wrap Your great arms around my children, and draw them close to You.

And be there when they stand at the great crossroads between right and wrong.
All I can give is my best, and I've done that.

Therefore, I submit to you my children and myself and the job I did as a parent.
The outcome now belongs to you."

Philippians 3:13-14

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

once upon a marriage

I don't mean to keep throwing Life Church sermons your way. It's not my intention. But I had to share this one on marriage. While I listened to the second sermon of Once Upon a Marriage, I had that sick feeling in my gut. Oh no, I'm Jezebel. Ok, maybe not the murdering, malicious part of her, but definitely at times, the belittling comments to my husband and trying to take over when I think I can do something better. (Think disciplining kids, not pulling hair out of the drain... yummy.)

Oh, I so don't want to be that kind of girl. I want to be an encouragement to my husband, building him up when he needs it the most. But sometimes it's hard to remember when emotions run high, everyone's tired and I just feel like being a brat... to put it nicely. :)

And Kyle, I guess this is me publicly telling you that I'm sorry for not being more supportive of you when you needed it, not being more uplifting in times of weakness. I want to be better. So hold me to it, ok?

I hope everyone can find the time to watch this series. I'm betting you'll learn a thing or two.

a mommy needs attention too, right?

because I can't always be here...

I've been cleaning out closets, drawers... getting rid of all of the excess. A fresh start for the new year, I suppose.

I've never been one for New Year's resolutions. But I have been thinking about some changes I want to make. So call it a resolution, if you must.

Every mom gets to a point where the focus shifts completely away from her, sometimes losing sight of who she is. And that's ok for a bit, I guess. But I don't think it's healthy for a long period of time.

My focus has been shifted for too long.

It's time to start taking care of myself too. And not feel bad about it.

All I have ever really wanted to do is stay at home, take care of my husband and babies. So this isn't a complaint. I wouldn't change what I'm doing for anything. It's just that this residency life hits from all directions. The stress, the loneliness, the frustration, seeing your husband exhausted beyond what he should be.  And I'm afraid that if there's not some sort of balance, there won't be much more of me left to give.

So, I'm thinking about ways to improve and really, just nourishment for my soul.

Efficiency is a big one. Time, how I spend money, keeping up with the house. I've started to watch how we spend money, knowing how much things cost, making smarter decisions. So empowering. More time with God, not just giving Him my leftover time, if there is any. Taking better care of my body. My skin. I just bought my first eyecream. :) My poor, neglected wardrobe (if you can even call it that) needs some attention... no more just looking in the children's section. More dates with my husband. More girls' nights out. More than two haircuts a year. More red wine... for ya know, a healthy heart and all. More time for reading. And maybe even a pedicure or two.

If I do these types of things, it's going to make me a better wife, a better mom. More fulfilled. Motivated. Encouraged. Happier. And we all know the phrase... if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

 

ugh.

I have to admit. I'm having a hard time being a mommy right now. I feel defeated and worn down and don't feel like I'm making any progress. I'm so tired of being mean. I'm tired of no one listening to me. I'm tired of yelling at my kids. I'm tired of feeling like a single mom.

What really gets me is that there are these amazing moments with each of my kids... moments that remind me how blessed I am. Hayes picking a flower and placing it in my hair, Embry grabbing a book and snuggling up to read with me, Ellie just out of the blue saying, "I love you Mama."

Oh, but how quickly I forget when things don't go as they should.

Why can't those moments stick with me during the difficult times and help me to focus on the mother I long to be?

A mother who embodies the fruit of the Spirit.

It seems impossible really with our day to day battles but if I've learned anything, I know that nothing is impossible with God. So I am committing to spend the time to learn about each of these fruits. I pray that God will work on my character and that my children will see his work through my actions.

Galatians 5:22-23

22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

learning to swim

Today was the first day of swim lessons. Embry and Ellie are sitting this summer out because I am still trying to recover from last summer when all three were enrolled at the same time. It was a brutal two weeks.

Kyle and I were in the parent/baby class with Embry and Ellie and they were petrified. And why wouldn't they be? The water was freezing and they hadn't exactly hung out in the pool all that much. And while we were trying to get them to enjoy the water (or at least stop crying), we could hear Hayes screaming and throwing a fit across the pool in his class. He finally came around the last day of class.

After that first day, I made Kyle go straight to Walmart and buy one of those above ground pools. My kids were not going to be 'that kid'... you know the one. I mean, as a kid, I went through all of the Red Cross classes, was an instructor and lifeguarded for way too many summers. No way are my kids going to be afraid of the water. :)

So, I have been a little apprehensive about today. Turns out, I had nothing to worry about. Hayes was awesome. He did a great job and was actually excited to go back.

One down. Two to go.

belly bumps

So after watching the video of Hayes yesterday, I couldn't get over how small my belly was the morning I went in to have him... well, compared to the belly that is still fresh in my mind... the one that carried two babies over seven pounds each... the one that now resembles a deflated balloon. Take a look for yourself.

uno

dos

Have I mentioned that I want a tummy tuck?

Have I mentioned that I wasn't actually carrying a baby in my face when I was pregnant with Hayes?

Thought so.

needing to escape

I've been thinking lately about what it is that draws me to the computer. Why am I always trying to sneak away and steal some time to myself? Why is there this longing to escape?

I realized that when I'm sitting in front of the computer, reality just sort of fades into the background. I don't have to worry about everything that's going wrong at home, I can just 'check out' for minutes throughout the day and 'check in' to the lives of friends.

Staying at home and being a wife and mommy is the place where I have always wanted to be. So why is it so hard? So hard to enjoy sometimes? It's what I've always wanted to do and yet, I feel like I am unhappy more than I should be. Yeah, there's the obvious reasons of kids not getting along, residency, finances. But then there are other things that I pray will change. And they don't. And my heart continues to ache.

And then I remind myself that I was not made for this world. Life is supposed to hurt. Many more failures are sure to come. More disappointments. My heart will break once again. So I wipe away the tears and move on.

God, soften my heart so it's you I run to as my escape... every time. I know that sneaking away and spending time with you is what I need. Help me to see the beauty when all I see is negative. Amen.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

c to the r to the a to the z-y

I have finally updated Hewood. Of course you have seen most of the pictures on this bloggy blog, but there are a few new ones.

So delicious.

What's the word Fergie Ferg? Check it out.

So, I'm a bit delusional. Facebook is to blame. It'll make ya loco. Katie assures me it is only temporary. Thank goodness.

Rock. Rock.

I finally caved this weekend and joined. Holy freak! Could there be more people on it? I have to admit, it is pretty cool seeing everyone and their cutie patootie kids but I'm finding myself checking out people's profiles that I may or may not have ever had a conversation with. Help me.

Suspicious.

Kyle of course gets a kick out of it because you know, he would like rather be doing amputations or playing video games (whateva). But I think he is just as intrigued as I am at the people coming out of the woodwork.

They want a taste of what I got.

"Guess who I'm friends with now?"

"Who?"

"So and So."

"Are you serious? What are they up to?"

"I don't know. But we're friends."

Let the networking begin. That is the point of Facebook, right?

Ok, Mom, I know you are in the dark at this point... here's Fergalicious for your viewing pleasure. You're gonna love it.

I blow kisses.

don't let the sweetness fool you

I am about to lose my mind and it's not even lunch time.

Some days are harder than others. I get that. But why today?

My house is a wreck. I am trying to put Christmas decorations away. But meltdowns, fighting, tattling, whining, whining and more whining are getting in the way. I'm trying to find my patience but it appears to be missing.

thankful

I'm thankful for God's love. When I begin to think about the uncertainties that we face right now with residency junk and finances, it's comforting to know that even though things change, he doesn't. He is faithful. He is forgiving. He is my shelter.

I'm thankful for Kyle. I'm thankful for the love we have. No one knows me like he does. I'm thankful that after ten years of marriage, we still crave that alone time. I'm not talking about sexy time alone time (Borat anyone?)... ok, maybe I am (ahhhh yeah) but what I meant was ditch the kids and let's hang out alone time. It's the thing I look forward to most.

***fyi... a little awkward for me to admit to seeing Borat right after talking about how much I love Jesus. If you've seen the movie, you'd understand. We were looking for funny. Funny it was... but oh my goodness, can anyone say traumatized?

I'm thankful that I have been blessed with three healthy children. Being a part in the shaping of these little people is truly amazing and I don't want to ever take it for granted.

I'm even thankful for the days my kids drive me crazy. Those trying times remind me that I am the one who gets to stay home with them day in and day out, nurturing and disciplining them... not someone else.

I'm thankful for our families. I can't even put into words my appreciation for what they have done for us. I'm thankful for their love and giving hearts.

I'm thankful for music. I can't imagine a world without it. A song can completely change my mood. I love that music is an outlet for my husband. I love hearing my kids sing and watching them dance to music. I'm thankful that I can turn it up really loud in the car to drown out the whining.

I could go on and on... a place to come home to, a car to get around in, friends, my camera, photoshop, air conditioning, hot showers, internet, online shopping, ipod, contact lenses, spanx, diet coke, sunbutter, ener-g egg replacer, modern medicine, sippy cups, washable markers, kandoo wipes, grocery stores (can you imagine trying to fit growing your own food into your daily schedule?), student loan deferment, life church messages online, mexican food, vacation... ok, ok I think you get my point. No matter how down or unfortunate we feel at times, we really are truly blessed. I am going to try and be better in thanking God for all of his blessings, big and small.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Be Thankful

by Nicola Ashcroft

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge, because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary, because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks. Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

garlic toast, anyone?

Mommy's thoughts: "What's that smell? Freak! I was toasting bread wasn't I? What is wrong with me?"

Hayes' thoughts: "Hey Embry! Let's go play in the smoke!"

like two pigs, fighting under a blanket

Name that movie.

Dinner preparation was going great. I even had a jump start on it from earlier in the day, when everyone was at school. Kyle was playing with the kids outside so I had the kitchen all to myself. The Killers on in the background. Ideal.

Here we go. Trying a new recipe for pigs in the blanket. I am on a mission to find the ones from back in the day. Maybe it was just my school, but the cafeteria's pigs in the blanket are what memories are made of. They were yumm-y. Just ask anyone who went to school there. Ok, maybe it's just me. And Kyle. And my sister. ;)

Pigs, check. Blankets, check. Pigs in blankets, check. Ready to go. Preheat the oven.

Moving on to the garlic fries. I chop the garlic and let it get crazy with the oil. I go to get the potatoes. Oh yeah. I didn't BUY any potatoes! Somehow I missed that item on my list. And the sad thing is, I miss items on my list more than not. Fine, we'll just have chips.

Moving on. I look to make sure the oven is ready. The oven is not ready. The bottom element is not red. Fabulous. Handyman Kyle informs me that we need to replace the element. Maybe I should have looked more into the element situation last week, when it was sparking and shooting out flames. Yeah, right after I clean up the box of baking powder that I dumped in there to put out the fire.

Handyman Kyle also points out that the broiler IS working. So after about 10 minutes of constant turnage of the piggies, we sit down to a nice dinner of broiled pigs in the blanket, grapes and chips. I'm just now remembering that there were supposed to be some green beans involved in there somewhere.

I couldn't find the Steel Magnolias clip of "like two pigs fighting under a blanket" quote, but I did find the best scene in the movie.

parenthood

I am in the middle of this Parenthood series from Craig Groeschel of Life Church. If you have never listened to his messages, I really encourage you to. Good stuff.

Parenting is hard, that's nothing new. I feel like I'm struggling more days than not to be the mom that God wants me to be. I want to be a source of encouragement to my kids, not frustration. I want to shower my kids with the attention and love they need, not put them off because I've got things to do. I want to look back on this time of their childhood and know that I did more than just maintain. These messages have made me squirm a little, revealing so many things I need to work on. They have also made me want to fight even harder for my kids.

Deuteronomy 6:6-9
These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

wonderfully made

If you feel anything like I do about struggling to not be of this world, you gotta take time to visit The Internet Cafe today. There is a great devotional called "Who Am I?" that challenges the struggles we (I) face about trying to fit in and feel good enough. There's only one to please and I'm pretty sure he doesn't care about the size of my jeans or how clean my house is. That's what is so great about God. He just wants us to be who he's made us to be... wonderfully his.

mark my word

I was going to write about Little Gym today but instead Big Momma Gym got in the way. Stay tuned for thoughts on Little Gym, it's a much more pleasant topic. What it really comes down to is I'm tired. Physically tired. Tired of the way my body looks. Tired of making excuses. I don't know why I do this to myself but I won't allow myself to exercise. I enjoy it, it makes me feel good, gives me more energy, keeps me healthy, blah blah blah. But I keep finding excuses ta not to (imagine Tow Mater's voice there).

Well, no more. Seeing that I am a girl of her word, I thought that if I write it down, it will get my butt in gear. I have the perfect time each day to get on the treadmill so I'm going to do it. No more excuses. When I start finding other things to do with my workout time, I will say to myself, "No, you made a commitment to change, so stick with it... for the love of all things not jiggly."

I'm realizing more and more as I do this blog that it is really an outlet for me. So if you were hoping to find the family scoop here, you will... but you'll have to deal with my rants and self-discoveries as well. Lucky you.

I caught a sweet moment at Little Gym today...

dirty faces

My mom did it. Your mom most likely did too. The licking-the-finger-and-wiping-the-face thing. I said I would never do that and apparently I don't by looking at pictures of my kids. Picture after picture, there is some form of gunk on those little faces. At first, I would get frustrated that a perfectly good picture would be ruined by remnants of dinner or snotty noses or whatever. But then I had a realization... my kids usually have some form of gunk on their little faces. Duh.

I have since grown to love those imperfections in pictures. The smudges of food show that their bellies are most likely full. The muddy faces are the result of getting to play outside and the snotty noses, well, I'm still trying to appreciate those. Life around here is nowhere close to being perfect so why try to make it appear that way through pictures?

I have updated the website with new pics. These are a few that I have been messing around with textures. Making those dirty faces look a bit dirtier...

baking with the boys

It's been me and the boys the last couple days. Ellie is soaking up some special time with the grandparents. We will head that way tomorrow for the big fair!

I officially made the decision today that I'm not a baker. It's annoying. I have no desire to learn how to make it not annoying. Having said that, the boys and I had fun making cupcakes today... baking for fun is what I like. Not when I actually have to make something look pretty.

We were trying a recipe for a birthday party coming up and let's just say that I'm glad there was a cupcake rehearsal. The cupcakes sunk in the middle, had major muffin top and the icing, well, look at the awful green. Sorry but it looks a little like something I've seen in a diaper or two. And my hands are stained red after much scrubbing. I have decided that I'm not going to be a mom that makes her kids' birthday cakes and I am okay with that!

don't get me wrong

I love our house... more space than we've had for a loooong time, well ever actually. But there are a few things that really date it like the popcorn ceiling for one. Ugh. I want it gone but I think we will gradually get rid of it as we redo rooms. Embry and Ellie like to scratch it off upstairs in the playroom where the ceiling slopes and it drives me nuts! And then there is the kitchen lighting and backsplash and the bathrooms. Oh the bathrooms. The upstairs bathroom is first up on the agenda. Thanks to Andrew and Laura, it is now ready to get things going. Thanks guys!

I should have taken a picture of it before the wallpaper came down. It was straight from the eighties. See the cutesy little flip flop rug? Imagine dozens of mini flip flops, beach towels, balls and umbrellas all over the place with matching shower curtain, shower curtain hooks, towels and suntan bottle soap dispenser. All it was missing was the puff paint on the towels.

With Kyle's work schedule, it has been pretty much impossible to make headway on house projects. So hopefully we can find the time to get these projects knocked out before it's time to move in five years!

Also on the agenda? Haircut.

Highlight of today?

By far, having a special donut date with this guy after we dropped Embry & Ellie off at school.